Family organization; exchange, system, and conflict
In order to better understand what goes on with families and how to help solve problems with individuals and families theorists have come up with many different ideas of how it all works. The three big ones I am familiar with are the ones mentioned in the title. They all have something to offer and they all have flaws. Exchange theory is honestly repulsive to me though, the idea is that your family, or other, relationships are based on some sort of balance of give and take. Your relationship with say... your parents is in good shape if you are getting at least a little more than you are giving. So if you start to feel like you are giving more than you are getting in benefits from the relationship then you might consider cutting it off. I hope you can see why that is just kind of disgusting to me. I won't deny that some people operate this way, we kind of think that way in United States culture hence we have so many divorces. I can see how things are seen this way but even when someone is making life difficult like a child committing several crimes or costing a lot of money one way or another I would not sever ties because of that, I would do it in hopes it would help them change. Sure you can claim I am masking my selfishness with selflessness, that's your opinion and you are wrong. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to stop doing things for them. The world would be a sad place indeed if all relationships were based on some spreadsheet of pros and cons only. I'm sure my wife would hit the door running by now if that was the case (I'm working on it). People have so much more connection than that. As far as application goes though I see the benefits. If I can see a couple engaging in this kind of thinking and help them see that then I might just save a marriage.
Conflict theory is a sad idea to me, every decision is a struggle for whose preferences or ideas win. maybe at times, things can be a power struggle over some topics but in all relationships should be based on mutual feelings and respect. Especially marriage relationships. I don't try to put more effort into getting things my way with my wife, we work on it together and come to an agreement. Obviously, I have opinions but we both concede our opinions to come up with our opinion. The choices and opinions don't stay at some percentage of my opinion and hers they become 100% our opinion and thus 100% my opinion 100% her opinion. If you want to argue that I'm saying the same thing just calling it different things go ahead, I'm not I don't struggle to maintain my petty 80% of my opinion and I don't give it up.
Systems theory is the only respectable idea of the three as far as I can tell. In this one people are not isolated individuals who operate in their own world separate from anyone else unless needed. Everyone, no matter what they think, is at least in part defined by the relationships they have whether they are good or bad. Thus if I am behaving maladaptively something might be going in those relationships and not just in my head. If we are being honest with ourselves this makes the most sense. The only problem is that everyone thinks their particular setup is the best and that everyone else should conform to their setup. If you are a person of faith you could certainly come to the conclusion that an inspired setup of a family system from Deity is the best. I certainly believe so. My faith plays a huge part in how I want to organize my family and how the systems inside it work. But what is culture and what is faith? Too often people conflate faith and culture and they don't even realize it. For instance in the United States, we are of the opinion that individuals take precedence in each individuals life, this extends into families. My "parents" family is separate from my family in many ways if not almost completely. Baloney. How could I ever be so separated from the family I grew up with. My belief system holds that all people are part of the same family and that their needs to be a welding link through all generations for this life to be successful. Surely my parents do not get the final say in all matters of my children but they are a part of my family and they deserve the respect they have earned. There is a balance to be struck in this, I seek and respect their guidance and council and they respect my wife and I's decisions. Family means many things to many people, what does it mean to you?
Conflict theory is a sad idea to me, every decision is a struggle for whose preferences or ideas win. maybe at times, things can be a power struggle over some topics but in all relationships should be based on mutual feelings and respect. Especially marriage relationships. I don't try to put more effort into getting things my way with my wife, we work on it together and come to an agreement. Obviously, I have opinions but we both concede our opinions to come up with our opinion. The choices and opinions don't stay at some percentage of my opinion and hers they become 100% our opinion and thus 100% my opinion 100% her opinion. If you want to argue that I'm saying the same thing just calling it different things go ahead, I'm not I don't struggle to maintain my petty 80% of my opinion and I don't give it up.
Systems theory is the only respectable idea of the three as far as I can tell. In this one people are not isolated individuals who operate in their own world separate from anyone else unless needed. Everyone, no matter what they think, is at least in part defined by the relationships they have whether they are good or bad. Thus if I am behaving maladaptively something might be going in those relationships and not just in my head. If we are being honest with ourselves this makes the most sense. The only problem is that everyone thinks their particular setup is the best and that everyone else should conform to their setup. If you are a person of faith you could certainly come to the conclusion that an inspired setup of a family system from Deity is the best. I certainly believe so. My faith plays a huge part in how I want to organize my family and how the systems inside it work. But what is culture and what is faith? Too often people conflate faith and culture and they don't even realize it. For instance in the United States, we are of the opinion that individuals take precedence in each individuals life, this extends into families. My "parents" family is separate from my family in many ways if not almost completely. Baloney. How could I ever be so separated from the family I grew up with. My belief system holds that all people are part of the same family and that their needs to be a welding link through all generations for this life to be successful. Surely my parents do not get the final say in all matters of my children but they are a part of my family and they deserve the respect they have earned. There is a balance to be struck in this, I seek and respect their guidance and council and they respect my wife and I's decisions. Family means many things to many people, what does it mean to you?
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