Conflict or Communication?
It's really easy to get into a contentious trend with your family, they are so close to you all the time and they do things that are irritating on a consistent basis. And we can't seem to get them to stop doing those irritating things even with the subtle hints we drop. Sometimes when we make decisions together we feel like we get undermined or underappreciated like our opinion doesn't matter at all. most likely we will blame it all on poor communication. So how do improve our communication?
Most of us participate in some sort of power struggle for whose opinion is better or more important, perhaps we even take turns on decisions. There is a much better way to do things. What about if people would discuss things and be more open! Wow, mind bomb... wait I guess that just makes sense. If we would work together on our problems and come to an agreement instead of trying to be on top of the decision tree. If we take our turns talking and listening things will go so much more smoothly. The big difference here is that we don't compromise we come together and agree on the final outcome. Obviously, it would be easy to say that either way someone is winning and the other person is losing in a sense. And you would be right most of the time people give up their preferences for other people's preferences often. But if we want the best communication possible we have to give up that model and reshape our ideas. The key to noticing the difference is who the focus is on. Often we are looking at our individual needs, but when we are married or part of a family (we all are in some way or another) our job is to focus on the needs of a greater whole and of other people. This requires a great deal more love of others instead of self. For a lot of Christians (at least my sect) we have to come to conclude that we must love ourselves first if we want to love others. Uhhhhh... I don't know, Jesus said: "Greater love hath no man than this, that man lay down his life for his friends." That doesn't sound like I'm putting myself first at all, there isn't anything about loving myself in there first. In fact the only part of love that deals with me is that fact that love requires two people at least. Other than that real love is all about other people, if you are loving someone then you are willing to set aside everything for yourself and give it all to them. In other words, truly effective and useful communication in a family requires love as well as just having a fulfilling and happy family. Love is the key to a happy life in general.
So, give up on your desires and focus on the desires of your spouse and your family, once you let go you will find yourself so much happier. As you discuss issues in your family and with your spouse figure out what they want and work to agree on what everyone can be happy with. You have to really be committed to the eventual outcome and not go in with a previous choice in mind that you are trying to get to. Taking turns and going through all the possibilities will reduce a great deal of contention in your family and in your marriage. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has been teaching this method of discussion since its inception and look where it has come to. The leadership has a reputation for having strong people with strong opinions, but because they practice this discussion model they always agree on everything and hard feelings don't exist. We could try and explain it away as a result of their being really good men but in the end, it is because They love each other very much and are seeking God's will and a group agreement.
Most of us participate in some sort of power struggle for whose opinion is better or more important, perhaps we even take turns on decisions. There is a much better way to do things. What about if people would discuss things and be more open! Wow, mind bomb... wait I guess that just makes sense. If we would work together on our problems and come to an agreement instead of trying to be on top of the decision tree. If we take our turns talking and listening things will go so much more smoothly. The big difference here is that we don't compromise we come together and agree on the final outcome. Obviously, it would be easy to say that either way someone is winning and the other person is losing in a sense. And you would be right most of the time people give up their preferences for other people's preferences often. But if we want the best communication possible we have to give up that model and reshape our ideas. The key to noticing the difference is who the focus is on. Often we are looking at our individual needs, but when we are married or part of a family (we all are in some way or another) our job is to focus on the needs of a greater whole and of other people. This requires a great deal more love of others instead of self. For a lot of Christians (at least my sect) we have to come to conclude that we must love ourselves first if we want to love others. Uhhhhh... I don't know, Jesus said: "Greater love hath no man than this, that man lay down his life for his friends." That doesn't sound like I'm putting myself first at all, there isn't anything about loving myself in there first. In fact the only part of love that deals with me is that fact that love requires two people at least. Other than that real love is all about other people, if you are loving someone then you are willing to set aside everything for yourself and give it all to them. In other words, truly effective and useful communication in a family requires love as well as just having a fulfilling and happy family. Love is the key to a happy life in general.
So, give up on your desires and focus on the desires of your spouse and your family, once you let go you will find yourself so much happier. As you discuss issues in your family and with your spouse figure out what they want and work to agree on what everyone can be happy with. You have to really be committed to the eventual outcome and not go in with a previous choice in mind that you are trying to get to. Taking turns and going through all the possibilities will reduce a great deal of contention in your family and in your marriage. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has been teaching this method of discussion since its inception and look where it has come to. The leadership has a reputation for having strong people with strong opinions, but because they practice this discussion model they always agree on everything and hard feelings don't exist. We could try and explain it away as a result of their being really good men but in the end, it is because They love each other very much and are seeking God's will and a group agreement.
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